Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying