Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
You Might Also Like
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”