Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito