Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.