Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.