Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
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Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”