Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
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Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop