Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*