ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
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I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”