ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?