Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
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Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
getting corrected
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”