Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
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I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”