Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
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SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Dumple
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Oh yeah that’s it
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”