Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
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Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Lmao
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Omg 🤣
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Haha! 😂
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?