Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and now we wait

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

😅😅😅

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

New comic up. “Ransom”

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.