Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

We decided to have money instead of children.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.