Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

bad
worse
worst
worchester

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

Attacked by a mop.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.