Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.