Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

Broom by every window for quick escape.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.