ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
That’s not how days work.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
…..pretty much.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?