ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
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I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Self-cleaning conscience
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”