Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
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How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat