Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
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I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Why is this me 😫
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero