“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind