As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
“not by volume”
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I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…