GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
“not by volume”
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Gf:Do u love me?
Gf:Why do u love me?
Me:You’re the best.
Gf:I’m the best at what?
Gf: Like what?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.