@DanMentos

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

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@ewfeez

GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four

@Jandalize

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

@LizHackett

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

@GingerCaat

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

@WildeThingy

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

@imence2

Gf:Do u love me?

Me:Yes.

Gf:Why do u love me?

Me:You’re the best.

Gf:I’m the best at what?

Me:Asking questions.

Gf: Like what?

Me:…

@Jake_Vig

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

@purplefuzzygirl

I don’t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work… There’s never any left when he comes home.

Idiot.