@DanMentos

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

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@AbbyHasIssues

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

@jackiembouvier

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

@kevinseccia

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

@NikiWithIssues

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

@rantingmd

googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen

@elunatyk

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

@badbanana

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

@WilliamAder

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

@MiddlingMs

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…