“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
goldfish mafia
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died