Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
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Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you