Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.