Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Friend: Please excuse her, she forgot to take her meds today.
Me, on the ceiling: Oh, like they can tell.

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Ghost costume 😂

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.