Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
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Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise