Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.