Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange