Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
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Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
(Gaming support cat.)
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
#ProTip