Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
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a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Alexa: *deep breath*
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY