I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
When you kidnap a writer.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.