Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

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When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

yikes

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?