Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
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Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.