Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.