Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Genius idea!!

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.