Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

For cardio I live beyond my means.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade