Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

With this onion ring, I thee fed

I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Pretty much. 🤣

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside