“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
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Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’