Every Adele song is about lasagna.
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16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.