Every Adele song is about lasagna.
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Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free