Every Adele song is about lasagna.
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I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Who says great literature is dead?
Denise please return my vape pen
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
absolute chaos
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.