Every Adele song is about lasagna.
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“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Covid like
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time