Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.