Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

how to exercise your calf muscles

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.