Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?