Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

💯😂

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers