Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.