Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
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Yup
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The United Steaks of America
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
SF is the wild wild west man
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.