Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
You Might Also Like
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
i hope my email finds you on fire
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.