Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
You Might Also Like
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Your honor these allegations are
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic