Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.