Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

Okay

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅