Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.