Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.