Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
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Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex