Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

GM✌🏻

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

🏠

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

I basically called this earlier today

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.