Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
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ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
This makes total sense…
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
wtf is a larm clock?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.