Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

the pigeons are already plenty salty

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

12653.

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.