Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on