Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.