Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
This is my emotional support knife.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
plums roundup
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.