@3sunzzz

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

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@KKAlThani

If you go by “there are plenty more fish in the sea” you’ll never find love cause let’s start with the fact that you think you can date fish

@jazz_inmypants

PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook

CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?

PETER PAN: yeah

CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?

PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-

CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad

@DarlingNikki_12

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

@Audenary

Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?

Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.

(Pause)

Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?

@FrogAvalanche

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564? before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

@sarawrencomedy

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

@NicestHippo

She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]

@BruceForce

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

@netw3rk

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it