Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut