Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you