Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s