Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own