Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
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Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Software Development ⛵️
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine