every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
real
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”