every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
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COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”