“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
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Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Weighing up my bread heating options
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]