Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
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I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that?
*gets well soon*
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
No mom I won’t go to “night school,” I already get what night is, it’s that bullshit thing where the sun turns into the moon for a few hours