@LuckoftheDraw86

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

You Might Also Like

@truegritrumble

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

@TheMichaelRock

I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.

@a_lolbrarian

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

@mattsurely

*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that?
*gets well soon*

@QwertyJones3

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

@HeyoShellz

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

@LennoxTruman

No mom I won’t go to “night school,” I already get what night is, it’s that bullshit thing where the sun turns into the moon for a few hours