“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
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Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Seek kebab; not attention
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.