“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

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Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?


I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.


We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed


Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?


*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that?
*gets well soon*


Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.


MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?


The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.


No mom I won’t go to “night school,” I already get what night is, it’s that bullshit thing where the sun turns into the moon for a few hours